Johnny was not a well-mannered young man. Having been born into wealth at the age of 0, Johnny spent his younger years living in luxury at his parents’ estate. By the age of 12, Johnny had grown irresponsible and obnoxious, refusing to tell the robot to do his dishes or tell the robot to clean his room. “All we ask of you is to tell the robot to do things,” Johnny’s mom stated, “It’s honestly not that hard.”
But Johnny wouldn’t have any of it. “I hate this place!” Johnny yelled at his robot one day.
"Would you like me to remove ‘this place,’ Johnny?" the robot inquired.
"No, no… it is a nice house. I just can’t stand it here any more. Robot, buy me a ticket to New Jersey."
"New Jersey…. are you sure, Johnny. Why don’t you pick any other state? Any other state at all?" the robot said in a robotic voice.
"Fine, Pennsylvania then. And make sure it’s first class. Actually, better than first class. Make it zero class." Johnny demanded.
"But, Johnny, you already have zero class!" chuckled the robot.
Johnny smacked the robot upside the head. Luckily the robot was made out of double-folded titanium and sass so the only thing that got hurt was Johnny’s hand—and his feelings.
Three years later, Johnny was a poor orphan living on the streets of Philadelphia. By day he would beg for coin and small bits of candy; by night he would eat small bits of candy. Candy was all Johnny had ever known. It was comforting for him to munch down on a tootsie pop while he gently fell to sleep under his makeshift shelter made of candy wrappers.
As the year went on, Johnny grew more and more tired of candy. One day, instead of begging for candy, Johnny decided to beg for lobster. “Come on, please mister, it doesn’t even have to be red,” Johnny would say to the pedestrians. Unfortunately, Philadelphians didn’t tend to carry lobster of any color in their pockets and Johnny went hungry that night.
A gentle rain fell onto Johnny’s candy wrapper fort as Johnny contemplated what to do. “If only I had money… then I could buy all the lobster and candy I want.” Johnny sighed and began to pick in his ear.
"What’s this?" Johnny asked as he slowly pulled out some sort of flaky material. "Gold? Gold dust, in my ear??" Johnny was shocked as he began to scoop finger-fulls of gold out of his earlobe. "I’m rich again! I’m rich again!" Johnny shouted gleefully up at the night sky as more and more gold fell out of his ear canal.
And thus Johnny was saved from the clutches of lobster-poverty. For the rest of his years, Johnny would simply pluck at his ear whenever he needed some gold. Although his business partners were a bit disgusted, they were just happy to have a never-ending fountain of wealth on their side.
The U.S. government tried to charge Johnny with counterfeiting currency, but after a substantial ear gold settlement ($13 billion worth), Johnny was safe from the clutches of the law.
Johnny spent the rest of his life in opulence. As a philanthropic gesture, Johnny paid off the U.S national debt and also single-handedly destroyed many obnoxious internet memes. As thanks, Johnny’s face was added to Mount Rushmore and the Hollywood sign was replaced with a sign that simply read ‘Johnny.’
As Johnny grew old, he kept giving his money to those less fortunate. As a way of thanking Johnny for his positive impact on society, the world’s greatest musicians and composers assembled to create the world’s greatest song. When finally completed, the musicians gathered outside Johnny’s estate to perform the song, with Johnny looking on from his balcony.
After four minutes of awe-inspiring crescendos and beautiful melodies, the greatest song ever played was finished. Johnny, frail and tired, nevertheless slowly rose out of his chair and gazed upon the crowd.
"I’m sure it was a lovely song," Johnny began, "But I couldn’t hear it. I have gold in my ears."